BAD Day at Work

At the time of writing this I’m 37 years old. I’ve been in full-time employment, solidly, for 19 years and experienced BAD for 9 of those years. Even as I write that it seems unbelievable that almost half of my working life has been whilst having BAD and mainly because if I were to describe working with BAD I would say it’s traumatic. So have I really been living in a state of trauma for that long?! Damn.

I say traumatic because when you are living with BAD it affects every moment of your life, and work is stressful enough without having to navigate having urgent, frequent, noisy or smelly bowel movements. I do wonder if there is more of a taboo around women's bowel movements too. We do supposedly shit roses after all!

During these 9 BAD years I’ve had four different work environments, and, for me, none of them were perfect for living with BAD, here’s why.

Scenario 1: A small barn conversion with a very small office with toilet attached. The women’s toilet was the one with the wall separating the toilet and office. For a long time I didn’t realise that this was an issue. I was the only woman in a workforce of 3 people and I never heard any toilet noises before. Then summer came, and more staff were employed. The door separating the toilets from the office was left open for cooling purposes and now you could hear pretty much everything from those toilets. My coping mechanism was to fill the kettle right up and put that on before I went to the toilet. This worked for a while, until we expanded the office. The new building was, for all intents and purposes, a big summer house, with the toilets in one corner of the build. This wooden room had high ceilings that echoed everything. Not only that but being one big room, everyone could see you getting up and going to the toilets, in my case 10 times a day! My coping mechanism…retreating to the old barn toilet, but this was still a frequently used corridor and not ideal. I also recall one day when I was between medications. I had just swapped from Questran to Colsevelam due to shortages, and I hadn’t mastered the dosage. I was at the other end of the neighbouring barn and that feeling hit me! FUCK! I had to do a tight-cheeked sprint down the length of one barn, across to the other, where all hell broke loose! And that right there is why I avoided trying Colesevelam again for a very long time! Did I leave due BAD? Partly, yes, but also the workload. The role was so stressful in the end that it was negatively contributing to my health and I have no shame in saying that it nearly killed me.

Scenario 2: Possibly one of the better set-ups I’ve had the pleasure of frequenting, although not without its issues. One floor, two toilets (one male, one female), 12-15 staff, most of whom were women. I think the difference here is that I was, to date, my most comfortable in this role. Not just with the role, but with the environment, the team, everything! My role was so active that I barely sat still so no one really knew if I was getting up to go to the toilet or if I was off on another little adventure. The toilets were away from the workspace too, with multiple doors and rooms separating us which was much less anxiety-inducing than the previous set up. The fact that there was only one female toilet was sometimes an issue, but we had no issue with using the men’s toilet if we really needed to. This was also the job that saw me through the COVID-19 pandemic. I worked remotely sometimes, but mostly we worked in the office on rotation which meant fewer people around anyway. This role was probably, so far, the easiest to cope with whilst having BAD. Had it not been for a change of management and then my own relocation I would probably still be there. I only wish I had told my first manager about BAD when I first joined, she would have been very understanding of it all. The lesson I learnt here was not to hold back on disclosing the condition.

Scenario 3: The best of the bunch, and yet the worst too. I spent 4 out of 5 days at home and frequently tried to avoid being at the office on the 5th, why? Cubicle toilets! ARGH! Do I need to say much more?! Their disabled toilet was in reception, on the ground floor, so that wasn’t really an option either. I hated going to the office. It was a wide-open room, and my desk was the furthest point from the toilets (not even exaggerating). So, in my BAD mind: “if I shit my pants, I’m going to have to walk (waddle) the full length of this office”. Maximum exposure and embarrassment. It was only after I handed in my notice explaining that my anxiety had gotten worse that my manager said we could have made adjustments, and to be honest I’m now kicking myself for not taking her up on that because she was so understanding. I had briefly disclosed the condition before I joined, but probably not thoroughly enough. Could I have gone fully remote there? Possibly. Probably. Damn.

Scenario 4: As I type, this is my current job so I need to be careful with what I say. I work in a care home. People shit themselves here all the time, right?! So, I’ll feel more comfortable. It might be a crass way of looking at it but it’s somewhat true and it’s how I justified it to myself in order to feel more comfortable about the environment. My main issue is that the closest toilet for me to access is in reception so I risk grossing out visitors, and my team, with the noise and smell that BAD can cause. I’m also not keen on there only being one door between me and my arse being exposed to anyone in reception, the door isn’t in reach so I can’t hold it shut with my foot. I can’t tell you the number of times someone has tried to open the door, sending my heart into my mouth and giving me even more reason for an anxiety poo! There are a couple of other toilet options, one involves a flight of stairs (that could be tricky in a rush) and the other is near the kitchen, not ideal. Another issue is that the role I’ve taken on calls for smart wear and unknown to me ahead of my start date was that I am supposed to wear a uniform comprising of either a tailored skirt or trousers, with a blouse, or a tailored dress. None of which suit my body shape or allow for the type of bloating I suffer with as a result of BAD. I started out wearing my own ‘smart’ trousers, with elasticated waist, but even those are uncomfortable. In the role prior to this, a corporate office, no one batted an eyelid at me wearing smart jeggings with a long tunic style top so it’s unfortunate that I find myself in this position. There are other issues with this role, unrelated to BAD. My stress levels are through the roof, and I’ve worked or at least been involved in work, every day since I joined and there is no hybrid option for the role. As someone with BAD, I don’t just value my rest time, it’s necessary. As a result of not getting that down time I’m struggling to maintain balance. On paper the role is perfect for me. It takes everything that I’ve learnt so far in my career, elevates it and encourages leadership, but the perfect role is nothing if the environment is wrong for you.

If you’ve read all of that and cannot comprehend why any of it is an issue then I envy you. I envy that you have that confidence and self-acceptance of your bowel habits that I currently do not possess. The fact is that after 9 years of urgency and diarrhoea the anxiety around my toilet habits is at it’s peak. It rules almost every move that I make and it takes a huge amount of effort and guts to keep leaving the house, let alone hold down a full-time job.

I’ve had to take a few days off sick this week. It might be a flare up, it could be a virus, maybe food poisoning, either way I’ve been at home reflecting on my situation. I’ll admit there have been a lot of tears, I’m very low and not necessarily because of having to job hunt again, but because I made a couple of choices that now reflect badly on my CV because those last 2 roles have been a matter of months each and that was never my intention with either of them.

In an ideal world I would take some time off completely. A few months, maybe even a year, to work on this condition and lower my stress levels. But this is not an ideal world, in fact it’s a crisis world where everything costs a fortune and we’re all burnt out (yay!), so what’s a girl to do? Put on that mask and try again? *sigh* It’s not that I want any pity or even an easy ride, but there are so many of us that don’t fit the mould and yet so many businesses still conform to archaic formats, we need better options!

What next? Where do I go from here? Mentally I need to be able to get out of the house and mix with my colleagues, but physically there is no doubt that working from home is a much more comfortable and logical option for me. Many of the hybrid jobs on the market at the moment stipulate set days in the office which just doesn’t suit BAD. If there was somewhere with the flexibility to come and go to the office as it suited then I would jump at the chance. I would be at the office more often than not anyway. I mean why wouldn’t I be using their heating and toilet roll rather than my own?!

I often ponder what environment I would create if I were a business owner. Thinking up a business idea would be a good start but if I ignore that part, what would I do? Obviously, I start with the toilets. Individual, secluded, accessible and multiple. Attire: Casual comfort, wear whatever the hell makes you feel comfortable (without exposing yourself!). Hours of work, flexed. Do your work and I’ll be happy, flex your hours as needs be with no set days for hybrid working – why have hybrid working if the days are set in stone? No ones life is set in stone least of all a BADDIES life. Environment: lots of plants, obviously, what millennial office doesn’t have a jungles worth of plants?! Small nooks, make it cosy, make it inclusive and make it so that you can discretely disappear to the toilet or to home if needs be. And that’s another thing, if you do need to go home, don’t feel like you need to explain yourself! The amount of times I’ve stayed at work just to avoid having to declare that “I’ve got the shits again”, let’s stop creating more anxiety for our staff, please! I’m sure, if anyone actually reads this, they’ll be scoffing at my ideas, saying I haven’t got a bloody clue how to run a business in the real world. True, I haven’t done it, but I have experienced many different environments in my time and rarely are they inclusive, it's generally an afterthought. I know things are getting better but there is still so much work to be done on this, and I suppose that’s another reason why I share my thoughts. One day they may be noticed. Disability in the workplace, visible or not, needs voices.