You Can't Pour from an Empty Cup

Following on from my last post, my bout of sickness carried on for another week. I wasn’t fully recovered when I returned to work, although it’s hard to tell if it was still gastroenteritis or whether it had phased into a BAD flare. Either way the mental impact of being unwell and trying to learn a new job with very little support crept in. After 4 days back at work I decided to hand in my notice.

The way I see it, my health comes first. It takes a hell of a lot of energy to just do some of the basic tasks in life sometimes. Have you ever had a shower and then felt that you need a lay down afterwards? That’s me on a daily basis at the moment. It’s possibly burnout, in fact I’m pretty sure that is a factor, but I think there is more going on too. With BAD you can end up lacking in vital vitamins and minerals. My folate and B12 that tends to fluctuate but this time it feels a whole lot worse, like I’m going to pass out at the slightest movement, so that needs to be looked at. Either way, I decided that I can’t pour from an empty cup anymore. That goes for work and social life.

I’ve quit the new, stressful, team leader job with it in mind to spend a month or so focusing on my health. When I do return to work, I won’t be taking on so much responsibility again. I’m still processing my feelings around the decision. On one hand I think it’s absolutely the right thing for me. On the other hand, I can’t help but feel defeated. I’ve let my illness dictate another part of my life and I’m not OK with that.

I may, in time, be able to turn this around. I just don’t feel comfortable experimenting with medication or diet whilst trying to hold down a full-time, in-office, job. I’ve been juggling it all for 9 years and I’m tired.

Socially I’ve been feeling the pressure too, and again, I’m too damn tired to keep filling up my weekends being busy all the time. I’m having to set boundaries where I didn’t before. Part of that comes from now being in a relationship and gaining a wider circle of friends, which is lovely, but I can’t keep up with it all. I need my down time, and my rest.

My diet hasn’t been that great of late. I found that I was sticking to the same few foods during the week, very plain, low-residue, foods just so that I could make it through the working week without too many issues. This may be why I now feel like I’m lacking in vital minerals! Time to remedy this.

Since having BAD there is only one period of time that I can pinpoint when I felt at my best in every way. Whether I can recreate the conditions in full is unknown. Age may be a factor, hormones too, who knows, but I’m going to give it a damn good go. Back then, about 7 years ago, I decided to really clean up my diet, I mean total eradication of sugar, dairy, fats, processed foods, and most animal products. I was already gluten free, and have been for at least 10 years now, but my diet is and was far from perfect. I’ve always been one to cook from scratch, but I also love coke, crisps, and chocolate…I habit that I’ve fallen back into for the last few years that needs my attention.

I truly believe most ailments need a holistic approach, certainly in my case when most pharmaceutical drugs give me horrible reactions! In my opinion it’s not just diet, it’s not just in your head, it’s not just the physical issue, it’s the whole lot, and that needs a whole-body approach. Mind, body and soul all need to be connected and in tune with the healing process to maintain balance, and my balance is way out of line right now!

So, now officially unemployed, (although hopefully only temporarily) I’m going to focus my energy into healing so that when I do take on my next role I feel more in control of my BAD and my anxiety around the condition.